Graham has been asking me to write for a few days now (well a week or two rather) and I suppose it seemed to me that if I actually WROTE words on a page and then posted them for the world to see, it was confirming that I am in fact pregnant. With two babies.
And before you get all offended at my state of denial, Patricia Malmstrom, the twin expert herself, (check her out here) says that denial is a totally normal reaction in the stream of emotions for a crazy hormonal pregnant lady expecting twins. So back off. I mean I love you. But don’t cross me. But you’re wonderful. You get the picture.
We are expecting twins. Two little babies growing side by side in the ole’ uterus.
And I’m (we’re) beyond excited. We’ll talk more about that, but I wanted to tell you first about before we knew.
We had been trying (or “NOT not trying” as we would say to help us ease into the idea) for a few months. I actually had begun to think that it really might not happen for us. Which was, at first, a very horrifying thought. Despite being a former super independent, traveling, big dreams of my own girl, I found myself questioning my very identity as a woman when it looked questionable that that blessing would happen for me. I remember walking with my dad one afternoon and lamenting the situation and having to confess that I was at a loss about the whole thing. I had discovered this rather dark and twisty part of my heart that had been long concealed- a part of me that really REALLY was convinced that I knew best. And though I told Jesus I would rather him chose for me, I didn’t really mean it. I wanted to chose my future, I wanted to pick, and I wanted it when I wanted it, how I wanted it, and in whatever form I wanted.
So there was a disillusionment in the waiting. A wondering why it wasn’t happening like that. And the dawning realization that it wasn’t happening like that because it was, well, not like that at all.
All my life, in every stage, I was ready for the next. In high school, I longed for college. In college, I longed for the adventures lying on the other side of graduation. In the middle of the adventure, I longed for the calm. Single, I wanted to be dating. Dating, I wanted to be married. Married, I wanted to be “settled.” And settled, I wanted to travel with my husband, and be a mother, and have a career and everything else. And so the list goes. It was never enough. And I’m beginning to see why.
You see, I didn’t (and sometimes still don’t) really REALLY believe that God was acting in my best interest. Not really. I mean he was working out his plan and everything, but his plan seemed to periodically bulldoze my life in the process. Given the possibility that my best and his will collided, I felt his will won out- to my detriment. Those of you who are followers of Christ are shaking your head right now and rightly so! I would be shaking my head at me too, well, if I weren’t me. We know this isn’t true. Don’t we?
Running one day, so frustrate and upset, I finally had a conversation with the Lord. The kind where I don’t try to clean it up in advance or chose my words carefully. I told him I didn’t get it. Why didn’t I get to do the fun traveling? Why wasn’t I pregnant? Why!? As petulant as it was, the Lord in his grace was there. It almost felt like he sighed, and leaned forward and looked me in the face and said “finally! I’ve been WAITING for you to talk to me about this. So let’s talk!” And here’s what he said. “No good thing do I withhold from those who love me.” Ugh.
Sound familiar? Yeah, it’s in the Bible. Psalm 84:11 says “For the LORD God is a sun and shield; the LORD bestows favor and honor. No good thing does he withhold from those who walk uprightly.” Read it in a few different translations here…it doesn’t hurt to take this in a few times. Notice Matthew 7:11 there too. In case you needed to hear it straight from Jesus.
So apparently he’s not holding out. And miracle of miracles, he actually doesn’t have to chose his will over our good. His will IS our good. The things in our lives (and not in our lives for that matter) are our good. It’s weird. I don’t totally understand it. But he is not holding back blessing. We just don’t get to pick the blessings, he picks. Which turns out to be our good anyway. Whatever the season, whatever hasn’t happened yet that we SO wish would…being married, being older, being parents…he does not withhold the blessings and give us crap in return. He is blessing us even now. And will continue. Perhaps even twice over.
Those months of wondering if we’d be natural parents, the Lord knew. And was waiting for this specific month when my body would do the abnormal and make two little eggs (weird) that would turn into two little people that he already knows. That he is knitting together bit by bit. I didn’t know. I couldn’t fathom. But he knew.
Do blessings ever cease?
No. They don’t.