>Decisions have never come easily for me. Let’s just be honest…if you have ever lived with me, been a close friend to me, or eaten at a sit down restaurant with a large menu with me, you know this.
In Africa, the decisions coming my way were of a different sort than I was used to, and oddly enough, I was relatively good at making them. Rickshaw or Walk? Check the temperature. Over 100, rickshaw. Under, uh, rickshaw. Bring the satellite phone or leave it? Bring it- you never know when this place is going to explode. Moullah Bamia (okra stew) or chicken kabob? C’mon.
Ironically, when life and survival weren’t quite so easy, choices became much clearer.
And yet, here I am back in the land of opportunity and plagued with the same chronic indecision I suffered from before. Cutting off options by making a decision is more difficult when the alternatives are more pallatible than okra strew and walking in 110 degree weather. Where to work? What to study? How to spend my time? How to spend my money! Should I go to grad school or go back to teaching?
So I am struggling through them as before, but this time it’s a bit different. I have another half to make decisions with. His name is Graham. And we’re getting married in like 18ish days (January 1). He wants me to be me more than even I want me to be me. Somehow that makes me want to be me very badly.
And it turns out Jesus wants that too. Don’t misunderstand, I’m not advocating a narcissistic mentality of “getting yours” at the expense of others- or even prioritizing MY STORY over the rather amazing story that is and was unfolded in the Gospel. Quite the opposite. It turns out that Jesus made me to FIT quite nicely into his already unfolding story of hope. So I’m asking him to continue to dredge and clean up those parts of me that do no one any good (there are many) and help me fight for the parts that he put in me “special order”.
So while this realization has not yet made my grad school choice or revealed my ultimate calling, I am confident of two things: 91) when God set up marriage- that was on purpose. We need each other. It’ll probably be stinky sometimes, dating is sometimes when one or both of us gets lost in ourselves. But I wouldn’t go back. And I’m thankful to be Graham’s biggest fan and know that he’s mine. And (2) The Lord will show me, and it’ll come together. It always does. I decided the whole “man I’m going to marry” thing AND lunch today at O’Charley’s so I bet grad school and life calling are right around the corner.